Where we are now

Today was definately a good day.  We spent the day on our friends awesome Mastercraft on Lake CDA.  It was pretty amazing, it was 75 degrees, no wind and almost no one on the lake.  That just doesn't happen on the most well known lake in the northwest.  I was just happy to be outside on such a gorgeous day, it didn't bother me at all that I couldn't get in the water or do something I love to do.  Afterwards we hit up the greatness that is Wing Stop for an awesome lunch of friend chicken wings and fries.  Soooo gooood! 

I'm tired of waiting for things to happen.  Just plain sick and tired of it.  The 1st time around (in Texas in 2004) I met the doc on Monday, ultrasound on Tuesday, surgery on Wednesday.  There was nothing else to worry about because you have to heal before you can start chemotherapy.  2 cycles of chemo and I was done.  Three months after that I was skipping out on my wifes graduation to play in the National Basketball Intramural championship in Disneyworld.  I know, I know, even though I had permission, I will NEVER live that one down.  It was tough, but I sort of felt like I just breezed through.  This time it just feels like I have too much time to sit back and think about things.  It's really difficult to keep bad thoughts out of mind when you have that much time. 

Given that my lymph node spot is extremely active, the doctors believe I have to have it biopsied to make sure that it isn't cancer.  There is a possiblity that it may not be but the activity level on the PET scan was high enough to suspect that my testicular cancer may have metastasized to that lymph node.  I was referred to a heart surgeon in order to biopsy the area.  That surgeon referred me to one of his partners because his partner will be able to remove the spot in my right lung and biopsy (and remove if possible) the lymph node during the same procedure.  He is an expert at performing these types of procedures laproscopically.  This means it will be a minimally invasive as possible.  I'll have a smaller incision and a quicker recovery time...hopefully.  I have the consult with him on Monday and the surgery is scheduled for Tuesday. 

I've been thinking about this surgery for over a week now.  I'm extremely confused and really looking forward to meeting with the surgeon, Dr. Nisco, on Monday.  I'm confused because I want to make sure that in having surgery I'm not taking an unnecessary risk.  But at the same time, if I choose not to have surgery am I risking finding more tumors down the road?  Even though we know so much already, there is still so much that is unknown.  It's extremely frustrating......  Taking a chunk out of my lung is not exactly minor surgery.  Nor is navigating a scope in between my trachea, esophogus, left atrium and aorta in order to find a lymph node that may be smaller than 5-6 millimeters.  It's just not a fun place to be in right now.  Should we do chemotherapy and see if the spots go away or do we try and remove them with surgery and then do chemotherapy.  Ugggghhhh.....

In reality, I keep trying to tell myself that I'm very lucky.  I can't tell you how many stories I've read online of people who are so much worse off than I might be.  One kid had a tumor wrapped around his trachea and was borderline dead because his airway was rapidly being closed off.  Emergency surgery and lots of chemotherapy and he was in remission.  Another person had a tumor in his chest that was larger than his heart.  They did 4 cycles of chemo first to shrink it, then removed what was left.  Absolutely amazing stories and here I am worried about 2 spots that are both smaller than 1cm in diameter.  The unknown is just driving me mad.  Should I worry this much?  Should I be really happy that it looks like we caught things early on?  So much of this disease is mental, it just amazes me.  I have to keep my head on straight and keep the right perspective.  Otherwise, I can easily see myself spiraling downwards.  Don't worry, I'm not going to let that happen.  I know my family and friends won't let that happen either, so I'm not worried.  Wrestling with those emotions and trying to fight off the frustration of the unknown is my primary goal right now.  After a good day like today, I know I'm doing well.  Hopefully tomorrow will be even better. :-)