Bad week

So its 3am, Wednesday, Oct 27 and I'm sitting in Deaconess Hospital in the Oncology ward.  Yes, this is my 2nd night here.  I slept for almost 5 hours and have woken up restless in the most uncomfortable bed that was ever invented.  My tailbone is sore from sleeping upright due to the constant acid reflux, thanks Cisplatin.  I had the worst dinner I've ever eaten in my entire life and I just started my 3rd bag of fluids to help rehydrate myself after a horrific weekend.  I LOVE CHEMOTHERAPY!!!!!!

I really need to be careful what I say because, in reality, the technology that has given us these incredibly aweful drugs is also giving me a chance to live a completely normal, cancer free life.  So be it. 

Here's a breakdown of the weekend.  Constant nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.  No food.  Very little water.  The diarrhea was due to the drugs causing so much constipation that I was drinking prescription ex-lax every 2 hours.  I was taking 3 different anti-nausea meds but none was helping.  I felt ok and ate breakfast on Saturday but that was basically the last thing I ate until coming to the hospital.

So, now I'm on about 6 different presciptions including steroids for a few days until the effects of the Cisplatin hopefully wear off.  I was able to eat 3 meals, well if you can call them meals, yesterday and have held everything down.  I'm hoping the doctor will send me home with a better drug regimen in the morning. 

All I can say about the last 4-5 days is that it was absolute hell.  The combination of reflux, constipation, nausea and and exhaustion is something that is just indescribable.  Throw in vomiting and diarrhea and you have the perfect storm.  I've had food poisoning and really bad flu bugs but nothing compares and no one should have to deal with it.  Such is life I guess.  I think mentally and emotionally it was the most difficult.  I was all over the place.  I'm not sure what Noelle thought when I told her that I wasn't doing any more chemotherapy because I couldn't handle it.  Or how she felt when broke down more than once at completely random times.  I think she's only seen me cry maybe 4-5 times in the 12 years we've known each other but I just couldn't help it.  The mental aspect of this disease is something I think I'm going to be dealing with for a long, long time.  I'm as optimistic as they come, ask just about anyone I know, but when I look at Brynnley or my 6 month pregnant wife the thought inevitably creeps in...  What if I might not be there for them in the future... What if I might not see my girls have a family of their own one day...  If that doesn't make any grown man cry, he's not a man and doesn't deserve to have those blessings in his life.  Just my opinion :)  I'm not exactly sure how to deal with those thoughts right now but the only thing to do is move on and and push through.  I've been blessed with an incredible wife who is everything to me and I'll never be able to express that to her.  I have a beautiful little girl that isn't even 2 1/2 yet but is going to be brilliant and do great things in this world.  And I have a little one the way who is going to endure so much before she even gets here that is she has no choice but to be amazing.  And, to top it all off I've got an amazing support system that is behind me in everything and asks for nothing from me.  What else can ask for?

I've shared far too much personal information, I'm on too many drugs and its 4 am.  Maybe I'll be feeling well enough to post something a little more uplifting tomorrow.  Since I haven't been able to eat for 5 days, all I can think about is food, it's a problem.  I have a master plan to solve my food cravings and cure my Texas homesickness.  Maybe I'll post about that tomorrow.  Only 2 months left......